Boop-Boop-de-AAAAGH!!

Arianna has an aversion to sleeping in her room. She either flat out refuses, or she sneaks into mine in the middle of the night...bringing along whatever she was sleeping w/ that night.
So, this morning, I wake up...and in my sleep induced haze, as I gaze down over the side of the bed, I see this:

Holy Shit! I've never woken up so fast. And, I think now I've acquired a new phobia.

Tire Porn

So, the tires on my car were total crap. Reeeeally bad. Car shaking, bad.

So, the other day, I went to the local Les Schwab and got new tires. 4 of them. BRAND NEW tires. I've never actually done that before. Usually I just get one retread, as needed. So, I wasn't really paying attention to their "specials" that they do for the IMPORTANT customers. (The ones that shell out more than 30 bucks.)

Needless to say, imagine my surprise and momentary horror at THIS exchange:

Les Schwab Guy- "Hi Adena, why don't we get your paperwork in order while they finish working on your car."

Me- "OK, no problem."

LSG- "So, here's your warrenty and invoice. Now....Would you like me to give you some beef?"

Me- *Blink*........... "Um, excuse me?"

LSG- "Beef. Would you like me to give you some beef?"

Me- *Blink-Blink*......... "You want to give me.....beef."

LSG- "Yeah, you know...the free beef promotion....when you buy tires....what kind would you like?"

Me- *Mentally kicking myself* "Oooooh! Yeah, ok...Um...steak is fine...thanks..."

I SO totally felt like saying "I bet you say that to ALL the girls!"
.
.
.
But, I refrained.

Conversations You Should NEVER Have With A Daughter

Arianna- "Hey Mom...I need to borrow a baby wipe, okay?"

Me- "Sure. What for, exactly?"

Arianna- "Oh, I need to polish my balls."

Me- "???"

Arianna- "I need to polish my balls. They're dirty."

Me- "?????!!"

Arianna- *holds up a small soccer and basketball*

Me- "OHHHhhhhhh...." *hysterical laughter*

Tales of Haunted Plumbing

So, yesterday, Martin wandered into the bathroom off of our bedroom. He immediately came back into the livingroom, white as a sheet.

He motioned for me to follow him, and I walked into the bathroom, expecting to see that the cat destroyed or peed on something.

Not so much.

So, we've got one of those old free standing sinks that are a staple of old houses. The sink itself was full of water. FULL. To the top. There was no stopper, but the water wasn't draining.

Martin WHISPERS "Dude, the sink was empty 5 minutes ago when I was in here. No one has been back here...."

He feels the water.

"It's WARM...."

So, I'm sitting there, being logical for once. (Which is unusual for me. I could've TOTALLY gone w/ the supernatural angle.) I'm listening, and say "I think they're draining their tub upstairs. The sink must be backing up w/ their tub water."

Sure enough, I couldn't hear water upstairs anymore, and our sink drained like magic.
I laughed at Martin, who was still all pale, and he said "Oh man, I thought we had a ghost!!" (This is SOOO funny to me, because he scoffs at all things supernatural. He says over and over he doesn't believe, but fill up a sink w/ water, and he freaks out. Methinks he protests too much.)

So, while laughing, I say to him "You realize that you stuck your hand in their leftover bath water, right?"

I've never seen someone scour their hands so fast.

Signs Your Child Watches Too Much TV

"Mom? What are hair oils?"

"Well, they're why you have to wash your hair..."

"Does everyone have hair oils?"

"Yup."

"Well, most ORDINARY shampoos wash hair oils down the drain, but DOVE keeps essential oils in!"

"Um...that's nice. Maybe you should lay off TV for a while..."

I Hate Barney.

Arianna's watching it in the other room.

I hear Barney say, in his annoying little Barney voice, "Hey! I'm a poet, and I didn't even know it!!"

And, all the evil, musical, robotic children on the show LAAAAUUUGHED, and LAAAUUUGGHHED, like it was the FUNNIEST thing they'd EVER heard.

Yeah, real original...you big, purple Satan.

My Daughter: The Moral Compass

We were driving in the car, and I don't even remember what Martin was referring to, but he used an analogy of it being like some idiot jumping into a pond full of live alligators.

We were kind-of giggling, and suddenly, there came this voice of PURE, righteous indignation from the backseat:

"That's NOT funny, dad! That means that someone would DIE!!"

We were so taken aback at the pure FURY in her voice, that it started us REALLY laughing, and just made her more furious with us.

"People being eaten is NOT funny! He became LUNCH! DINNER!! Maybe BREAKFAST!! That's NOT funny!!"

We replied with GALES of laughter.

"Stop laughing!! Death isn't funny! Being eaten by alligators is NOT FUNNY!!!"

Hysterical laughter.

She didn't talk to us for a while after that.

*giggle*

Excuse Me, But You Need To Up Your Prescription For Ritalin!

Oh.My.God.

So, I am broke 'til next Friday, so I went "grocery" shopping at a discount place.

I was reading a blog today who's author was lamenting the fact that crazies flock to her. I commented that they flock to me, too....I don't know why it is, but the crazy folk just start spouting off random shit to me.

Which brings me to my checker.

I get up to the checkstand, and he did NOT stop talking for the ENTIRE time that he was ringing up my groceries. I did not get a word in edgewise.

His topics of conversation? (Keep in mind I said nothing to prompt these topics)

"Wow, did you ever notice how the grey's outside wash out the greens and other colors, and make everything grey? No, Really...they do!"

"Brookings, Oregon is great. But Crescent City, CA is where the bums live. I don't know why it's so much dirtier when it's just across the border. Have you noticed that? I think it's because they had a tsunami once, and a lot of people died." (Um...'Cuz THAT makes sense....)

"Scottish people have given the world so much! Really, they have! But, you know that because you're scottish!" (Actually, I'm Irish)

"Central Oregon doesn't look like this. It's more like California. At least, I think it's more like California...Do YOU think it's like California? Because, I think it's like California."

"Joan of Arc was a brave little thing. Don't you think so?? I think she was brave!"

"Wow, I hope they never change the formula in Coke!"

I know there was more, but honestly...he made me dizzy. I'm sure I was standing there w/ a deer in headlights look. No one attempted to rescue me, tho'. I'm sure the other checkers were just glad he wasn't talking to THEM!

I need to go nap, now.

When Men Try and Kill You

Or, at least trying to get someone else to do it.

Case in point:

He left for work at 6am. At about 5:40am I went back to bed, telling him to make sure the front door was locked when he left. He said "No Problem".

So, I woke up at 9ish.

I walk into the livingroom. Whoo...the house is a little chilly, maybe I should make sure the heat is on.

OH WAIT...

Maybe it's because THE FRONT DOOR IS WIDE OPEN!!

Hmm...a check of the door handle shows it's in the locked position, however, that does not come into play if one does not CLOSE THE DOOR in the first place!!

So, yeah...3 hours of my front door wide open, with me and the kids in the back of the house, sleeping.

He's trying to have me killed.

On a side note, my INDOOR cat is now an outdoor cat...somewhere. I can't find him. He saw an open door for 3 hours and took advantage of it. So, now I have to go on a cat hunting expedition.

And yes, my heat WAS on. So, now, about 3 kazillion dollars later, after heating up the outside, my house is starting to defrost.

Men.

Bring it On, 2006

I don't normally do resolutions. Really, what's the point?

However, a few things happened the last couple of days to make me start a mental list.
I thought I'd share:

1. Keep Husband Locked In House. - So, we went to our friend's house for New Years. With 2 kids and no real babysitter, it's nearly impossible to party. So, fine...we played poker with friends. And Martin drank some beer. Hell, he drank more than SOME beer. Seeing as how I was the "designated driver" and couldn't drink, I figured what harm could come from letting him get completely trashed on New Years?

*Sigh*

Now, we live like literally a 2 minute drive from our friend's place. So, we leave their house, walk the 14 steps to our car, to get ready for the NANOSECOND drive home, and I hear Arianna say "DAAAAAD!!"

I turn around, and he's peeing. PEEING. In our friend's driveway. FACING the street. Oh, Sweet Jesus. Kill me now.

What the hell?? He can't use the restroom in the house WE JUST LEFT?? He can't hold it 'til we get home in 2.5 seconds??? No....it's just easier to pee in the driveway.
Yeah, he's getting locked up in a room somewhere.

2. Look into why I insist on having a cat. - Our cat has worms. HOW does this happen?? No, really? He's an indoor cat. He doesn't have fleas. He sees no mice. He does not intermingle w/ other animal species. Yet, still he manages to get worms.

Now...there are 3 living species that truly gross me out. Spiders, ticks, and intestinal worms. *shudder* And I'm the only one that changes the litter box. This is a problem.

3. Limit the amount of TV my daughter watches. - Now, I understand the importance of the anti-drug commercials on stations such as Nick or Disney. However, after one of them airs, and your 5 year old daughter turns to look at you, and solemnly says "So, what exactly IS a joint?", I contest that there actually IS a time when it's TOO EARLY to talk to your kids about drugs!!

4. Hire someone else to talk to my daughter about the "birds and the bees". - This may send me to an early grave. Seriously. I can't handle this topic, yet. Especially when my 5 year old is "inspecting" herself after a shower, and says "So, what exactly does this pink thing do?" OH MY SWEET LORD!! NOOOOOO!!!!

Do they have people that can talk to your kids about things like this?? Because, I can't.

Nope.

Can't do it.