Horror Show

We had nice weather this weekend, and Martin decided to go out and mow the lawn on Sunday afternoon.

He was outside for a while, happily mowing away in the backyard, and I was inside, puttering around the house.

Suddenly, I see him run up to the slider, and start doing a little dance, shedding clothes. Now this wasn't a "Hey, baby...watch me take off my clothes" type of dance. It was more of a "OH HOLY HELL!! CLOTHES OFF NOW. NOW! NOW!!" type of dance.

I watched, bemused, for a few seconds, then he opened up the slider, and rushed inside, still shedding clothes out the back door, emitting a series of "EE EE EEEE!" sounds.

I said something to the effect of "What. The. F#&%?!" and he responded with "Sss....Sp.....SPIDERRRRSS!!"

"What the heck? You're not afraid of spiders."

"I'm not afraid of A spider. I am, however, a little panicked when surrounded by enough spiders to EAT ME WHOLE!"

So, apparently, he was happily mowing away by the side of the house/garage, when he happened to glance at the concrete walkway between the grass and the side of the garage. It is normally grey concrete. When he glanced at it, it was black. Wondering why it had changed color, he went in for a closer look. It was now black because it was COVERED W/ THOUSANDS OF BLACK SPIDERS!!!

I remained skeptical that there could be THAT many spiders, and went out to investigate.

Me.

Who has a spider phobia.

In flip-flops.

So, we go out the front door, and around to the side gate, and I look at the walkway, which is the normal grey cement I was used to.

Martin shuddered and said they all ran out from the grass because he was mowing right there. In fact, the mower was still there, a victim abandoned to the spider hoardes.

I remained unconvinced, and walked down the walkway to peer closer into the grass. The grass which was....moving....Martin, in an attempt to convince me, decided to jump out into the grass to flush some of the spiders onto the pathway.

Sure enough, a good fair amount of them came zipping onto the pavement, and then back into the grass. Nasty, black, fast spiders.And the grass was still.....moving.....on it's "own".

Yeah, me and my flip-flops retreated onto the safety of the driveway, w/ Martin close behind, dragging the mower away from certain death.

So, it appears I need to pesticide the hell out of my side yard. Because I sure as hell am not letting my kids out there to play amongst the army of black nasties.

*Shudder*

I've Really Got To Stop Doing That!

Me- "Hey, Martin....it's time to get up...."

Martin- "NonoNO! HOW many times do I have to tell you?? STOP turning off the lights at Wal-Mart!!"

Me- *blink blink*......."Ummm.......you're right....I'll go turn them back on.....terribly sorry....

Martin- "THANK you!.....Mmmphdmmmfh......zzzzzzzzzzzzz"


In related news, I dreamt about vampires overtaking grocery stores.

Coincidence?

I think not.

What's Next? Leeches?

This weekend it was spectacularly nice outside, so we decided to clean. The house, the garage...didn't matter....we just needed to overhaul. So, I took on the inside, and Martin took on the garage, because he has this master plan to make it a poker room / home office. (We don't ever park the cars in the garage, anyhow.)

Our friend, Jason, came over to help, because well...he's a guy...and you mention "Poker Room" to a guy...

So, things were progressing merrily along, and I'm in the kitchen doing the dishes when I hear this GIGANTO ROAR from the garage. I figure Martin has tripped over something, because he's not exactly the most graceful person in the world, and think nothing more of it.

A few minutes later, Jason pokes his head in the kitchen.

"Uh, 'Dena? Martin's going to need some ice...and a towel."

I kind-of laugh, and ask Jason what happened, not expecting anything major.

"He just totally split his head open. He's totally dripping blood all over the floor of the garage. I mean, it's REALLY dripping...." was the answer.

Now, Jason used to be a semi-professional skateboarder, so he's seen many a major injury. If he says someone is "really dripping", there's probably a geyser going on.

So, I jet on out to the garage to check out the damage. Martin is crouched on the floor, puddle of blood in front of him, holding his head.....and Jason is totally right....much drippage.
I ask what the hell happened.

Soooo......Martin decided he didn't like the curtain that was covering the garage window. He decided to take it down. So, in order to reach it, he had to climb up onto the computer desk. When he climbed up, he did not pay attention to what was above him, and stood STRAIGHT up (full force) into the edge of the track for our garage door.

Sharp Steel + Noggin = Owie.

We all laughed at his expense for a bit, especially when we forced him to pour peroxide directly onto his wound, and watched him to make sure he didn't fall asleep for a long time.
A few hours later, I ask him how his head is feeling....

Martin- "Hurts like hell"

Me- "Did you just cut your scalp, or do you think you cracked your skull?"

Martin- "I'm pretty sure I cracked it."

Me- "How can you tell?"

Martin- "There was a.....noise."

Me- "A 'noise'?"

Martin- "Yup. I figured that probably wasn't a good sign."

Me- "Um, no...probably not. Are you going to be okay? Do you think you need to go to the doc?"

Martin- "Nah....I'll be fine......On the upside, tho'.....It TOTALLY cleared up my sinuses!"

Me- *Incredulous look*

Martin- "No, SERIOUSLY! It like relieved some pressure on my brain, or something."

Me- "So....you're advocating head wounds to clear up nasal passages? Is this like boring a hole in your skull to help headaches? Bloodletting to get rid of fevers? Are we in 1832?"

Martin- "Shuddup."

NEVER a dull day at my house, I tell you....

TequilaCon Mini-Update!

Random TequilaCon Happenings:

Sizzle losing her keycard from out of her bra. (Hey, I stored my money and ID in mine!)

Then asking Hilly if she'd check in there and see if she could find it.

Hilly accomadating this request, and feeling up Sizzle for a good couple of minutes, while proclaiming "Hey! I felt some nipple!"

The two of them deciding that after being the feltee and felter, that they should probably just make out, and laying a big, drunken smooch on each other.

Some random guy standing in the hallway watching the entire exchange w/ his mouth hanging open.

Said guy, after it was all over, stumbling out of the door, shellshocked, muttering "This is the BEST night of my LIFE!!"

Me, sober, laughing hysterically at the entire event.

It was a blast to meet you all!

Death From Above

We took Jack on a walk through the snow.

He loved it...had a blast.

There is a Christian school across the other street I'm next to, and he led us over there into their parking lot. He walked up to one of their side doors and started banging on it.

Then he started to yell.

"GOD?....*

bang bang* ...........

GOD? *bang bang*"

Maybe he's trying to tell me something?

FYI....

When you fall asleep on the couch w/ "Sesame Street" playing on the tv in the background, you wind up having some VERY interesting Puppet-Related dreams.

I'm just sayin'....

Observations from Wal-Mart

Dear Mr "Cowboy Baby":

You are not Kid Rock. Please lose the dirty, bleach blonde, scraggly-ass long hair, scruffy goatee thing, LEATHER fedora, and ratty, "I swear I've been riding a horse. A hooker named horse!" jeans.

I realize you think that if you dress like this, you may be able to score someone like Pam Anderson....but, you are not in LA. You are in a suburban/country town in Oregon. You will wind up w/ someone like the person I will next address.

Sincerely,
BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


Uhem.....

Dear "OMFG, WHAT IS THAT??",

Um....while I have nothing against "large" women....I mean, I am not Nicole Ritchie myself (thank god), but, I am also not 500 pounds. And, I'd like to think that even if I was, I would NOT be wearing what you seemed to think was great evening wear for a MONDAY NIGHT in a town w/ no night life.

Really, I applaud your jean mini skirt that hid NONE of your business, 4 inch clunky heels that you had no idea how to walk in, lacy see thru shirt that ALSO hid none of your OTHER business, and....and..... your SPECTACULAR thigh high black fishnet stockings.

They were all a special treat to behold.

Especially since the stockings were partially rolled down. And had skin/fat already trying to escape out of all the holes in the fishnet. I swear I actually think I heard the nylon screaming "hellllp meeeeeeeeee".

I'd like to think that if I was that big and dressed like THAT, (or actually, even if I had a ridiculously perfect body, and dressed like that) that someone would double bolt the doors to my house, and refuse to let me leave. I'd even understand if a stun gun needed to be involved.

But, hey! Look on the bright side! I think Kid Rock over there might think you're hot!! I mean, give him a bottle of scotch, and he'll be sure to watch your..... Hey! Speaking of, I think you owe us all some scotch!

Sincerely,
An Amazed Fellow Shopper.

Hi, My Name Is Adena, and I'll Be Attracting Crazy Today...

So, I've been sick for a few days, and went to the doctor today.

Apparently, Monday is not the day to visit this particular doctor. My appointment was at 10, and I didn't get in to see her until 11. So, I was stuck in the waiting room for an hour....which, fine....I'll deal.

Then, in walked this woman....who promptly sat down in the section of chairs across from me.
When the first sentence out of someone's mouth is "Man, I should've taken my meds today...", you know you're in for some....interesting...conversation.

This woman proceeded to tell me ALL about herself....and I do mean ALL....

Eventually, she got to the point where she went into detail about her prolapsed uterus....and by that I mean she went into detail about her....parts.....falling out....FALLING OUT AND HANGING OUTSIDE OF HER BODY!!!!....and how since she's had them removed, she's growing this unsightly mustache....and has a.....growth....somewhere it shouldn't be....(and by "growth" I mean....imagine if a woman is producing too much testosterone, and not enough estrogen...and imagine what might...grow...)

So, yeah....by this point I'm crawling out of my skin, and I look to the nurse behind the counter in horror, sending out mental pleas of "DEAR GOD, CALL ME BACK THERE....NOW!!!" I know she heard my mental pleas....but, all she did was grin evilly at me, wave cheerfully, and start laughing.

Bitch. (Ha)

Finally....FINALLY...I get called back to see the doc, leaving miss "Overshare" out in the waiting room, beginning to torture another unsuspecting soul.

The nurse takes my weight and says "Man, sure sounded like y'all were getting chummy out there" and then started w/ the evil laughter.

Why....WHY....do I attract crazy???

The Jalopy of Death

So, CERTAIN friends of mine (CoughKerriandEmilyCough) have been hounding me and hounding me EVERY MORNING by AIM to write my deathmobile story.

Even tho’ they were THERE, and they basically know all the details ANYHOW…..
But, I know…I’ve been blog-slacking. Sorry.

So, back in California, when I worked for the evil Database Empire, we knew we were getting laid off on a certain day. Martin and Arianna came up to Oregon in March, and I stayed in Cali until mid-June, to finish up the job. Martin took the car w/ him to Oregon, so I needed a quickie cheap vehicle…..fast.

I posted a message on the internal chat site asking if anyone had a car they wanted to get rid of, and this lady got back to me that she had a car she’d sell to me for 700 bucks. (In California, that’s unheard of cheap.) So, I basically took it w/o really thinking about it…I needed a car.
I don’t even remember what it was….it was like a late 70’s-early 80’s hooptie car….the thing was a boat. It was this ugly brown, w/ ugly southwestern (I hate southwestern motifs) seat covers, and it didn’t have air conditioning. (In Summer. In California. Ugh.)

The lady I bought it from, basically after I agreed to buy it, threw in a little disclaimer….
“Oh….by the way…..so, we bought this car at auction. It was in an accident before we bought it. It was totaled out, but for whatever reason they fixed it and didn’t salvage the title…so, it’s got a clean title. Oh…..and….intheaccidentsomeonediedinthecar.”

Wait. Back up there, missy….

So, yeah….the accident that totaled the car, also managed to kill some guy. The guy who was driving the car. A guy who DIED IN THE SEAT I WAS NOW SITTING ON!

Um, okay. A little disconcerting, but I tried not to think about it. However, the horrid Southwestern motif seat covers were put on the seats, because she was hiding…..stains. Yeah. Annihilated people stains. (When I relayed that little bit of info to Kerri, she freaked out. “Adena! I just screamed inside my head!!”)

So, anyhow, I drove the deathmobile, as it affectionately (?) became known, until mid-June, when I moved back to Oregon. I had every intention of turning it in to some junkyard when I left, but the girl I was living with at the time, and who packed my stuff when I was in India, because her brother sold the house out from under us (long story), had actually lost the title in her attempt of packing. So, no junkyard in the area would touch the deathmobile w/ a 10 foot pole w/o a title. So, I was stuck. What to do??

So, I did what any self respecting person w/ a deathmobile to get rid of would do……I left it in a K-Mart parking lot, and drove to Oregon in my moving truck. I left the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked, hoping someone down on their luck would be all “HEY! Free car!!”

No such luck.

I got an email from the lady I bought it from like 2 months later. Apparently, the cops called her to come get her car from the K-mart (because I never put it in my name). I told her what happened, and told her to try and sell it again, and keep the money.

I have no idea if she managed to get rid of it. Apparently, I was the first person who managed to get past the idea of driving while sitting on someone’s……earthly remains…..

Clean Up, Aisle One! And Two! And Three! AND FOUR!!

So, today I'm in Walgreen's, hanging out 'til my prescription is filled.

I'm staring blankly at the make-up, when suddenly, this little mexican man opens the front door, and SCREAMS into the store:

"HEY! Did anyone drop their Nitroglycerin outside??"

*INSTANT SILENCE DESCENDS UPON THE STORE*

The couple standing next to me and I looked at at each other in horror, and then we started laughing hysterically.

Really.

This stuff only happens to me.....