EXTRA EXTRA!!

READ ALL ABOUT IT!!

TEXAS IS MISSING! TEXAS IS MISSING!!

SEE? I HAVE PROOF FROM THE MEDIA!!

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN???

Would You Like Some Cheese With That Book?

I have a guilty little secret.

I like to read romance novels.

I'm picky about which ones I read. Cowboys do nothing for me, nor do I like cops, firemen, or military types.All in all, modern romances make me roll my eyes, and nearly gag. I'm really not a romantic, most of the time.

However, there is something about the historical ones. Maybe it's some sort of throwback from my youth, of being forced to watch PBS, and countless British Period Dramas....At any rate, I do read the historical ones, and there are some author's that I swear by...that write funny, smart and engaging books.

But, for some reason, a lot of the historical writers seem to get all "purple prose" when it comes to describing the sex scenes. Seriously, sometimes it's so ridiculous, that I sit there and laugh hysterically, when I KNOW that's not the reaction they were trying to invoke. I mean, come on...."her HONEYPOT"??

I ran across one the other day....that actually said "his steaming jet of love." Um, seriously? STEAMING? Does he have a disease??

I swear, sometimes I sit there thinking "Do they REALLY think that was a good description? Could we have not come up with something a little less cheesy?"

So, it's actually become a bit of a joke w/ me and the neighbor girls, as they read a lot of romances, too. If we find a particularly horrible description, we'll immediately relate it to each other, laughing hysterically.

So, tonight, we were out lighting early fireworks for the kids, when one of the girls saw me holding a Roman Candle as it was showering its cascade of sparks from the end. She laughed, and said something about that being a good description for a love scene, and it took us like 2 seconds to come up with THIS winner:

"His Roman Candle of love exploded all over her quivering ground bloom flower" (You know, for a 4th of July themed book.)

Seriously. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

I may have to make a list...

Interrogation

Last night I dreamt I was watching a police interrogation.

Actually, quite a few interrogation.

The police guy had this thing on the bottom of his shoe, and he would keep clicking it during the questioning.

*ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick*

Until, finally, the suspect would scream "ALL RIGHT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! I DID IT!! I DID IT!!!"

This happened for quite awhile. Always the same....ClickClickClick.

So, this morning, I wake up, and in my haziness, realize that Martin has been playing Diablo all night on the computer in the bedroom, and the clicking that was so perversely invading my dreams, was, in fact, the mouse click.

Yeah, apparently, it annoys me.

Motivational

Things Heard Today, Episode #2

(While sitting in a waiting room, stealing horrified glances at the obvious meth-heads a couple chairs over.)

Receptionist, to other Receptionist: "I don't like this fake Sudafed stuff. It just doesn't have the 'kick' that the original Sudafed had."

Meth-head #1: *hysterical laughter* *itch itch pick pick*

*************

Later-Meth-head #1 to Meth-head #2: "Yeah, well I asked Jimmy about it, and he said it didn't matter that I had multiple felonies" *itch itch pick pick*

Things Heard Today

(As sitting in the drive thru lane of the local Mexican food joint, waiting for a rather large couple to pass by us, so we can go. The man was wearing cut off jean shorts, and a cut off / no sleeve plaid shirt barely covering his beat up, no sleeve tee-shirt.)

Martin: (under his breath) "Careful. You don't want to run over Larry the Cable Guy."
_________

(I walk into the living room and see Arianna laying on her back, with her feet over her head, wrapped around the back of her neck)

Me: "What in the WORLD are you doing??"

Arianna: "Experiencing inner peace."

Wendy's Poisoned Me- A Haiku:

Evil hamburger.
Expelling an elephant,
out of my stomach.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

So, Jack has been in this verbal stage where he's been having to name EVERYTHING.

Doesn't matter what it is, he has to point at it and tell us what it is. This goes w/ people, too.

Our friend Joe comes over quite often to hang out and play poker. Everytime he comes over, he brings a 6 or 12 pack of beer.

Unfortunately, Jack has picked up on this, and now refuses to call Joe by his name. He is now known as "Beer."

As in, Jack will look around the room, point at us, and be all "Mom....Dad....Nana..........Beer."

Most. Hysterical. Thing. EVER!!

Giggle Freak

Jack Discovering Balloons.

Diamonds are a Girl's...uh...Bikers? Best Friend?

I've been such a slacker about writing.I've been busy with work, and Martin has taken over my computer playing "Oblivion", which I stupidly bought for myself, but then realized how much I HATE moving w/ a mouse and keyboard, and much rather like the Xbox controls. (And yes, I know you can buy controllers for your computer, but we can't get it to work right w/ Oblivion....it won't change direction...you still have to move the mouse to swivel. If anyone knows how to FIX that, then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know!!)

Anyhow, point is, I haven't had a lot to write about. I've been a picture taking fool, but I've been posting those to Flickr.

So, I got to thinking....I should probably share stories of funny things that happened to me in the past. I've had a LOT of those!So, here's a good one from Colorado.....

I used to work grocery, and I worked in the Deli at a place called "City Market" in Durango, Co.

Now it was more than your typical deli....we actually cooked. I mean, we had the normal packaged deli stuff, and the deep fried stuff, and the meats...but, we actually got up at the butt crack of dawn, and cooked breakfast from scratch to put in the hot case.

Now, this involved working a 4am-1pm shift. It was a 24 hour store, so the crazies usually were in there around that time in the morning.

Now Durango has a big Harley Biker event called the Iron Horse Rally....where thousands of Harley'd men and women invade the town, and do this giant bike rally through the mountains. It's really impressive. However, with that come a lot of the Harley FREAKS. Now....don't get me wrong...I adore most bikers. However, there are exceptions to every rule.

I remember one day, working in the deli, and I hear my friend, Josh, say something to the effect of "Holy Mother of....." and I turned around to see what he was talking about.

Yeah.

Woman.

In chaps. And a bikini top. And a g-string.

Did I mention chaps?

It was....interesting. Every guy in the store had to hide behind waist height things for a few minutes, tho'.

Anyhow, one morning I dragged myself out of bed for the 4am shift, and entered a fairly deserted store. I rounded the corner to walk through the paper aisle to get to the deli, and nearly ran into this giaganto, majorly hairy biker dude.

Seriously.

Robin Williams hairy.

And he was pretty hefty, as well. Which is all well and fine, and expected in your average biker.

However, what set him apart from the crowd was that he was dressed in a silk, pink floral mini sundress.

Yes, you read that right.

Silk.

Sundress.

Floral.

Hairy.

Now, at 4am, you don't really react well to unexpected situations like that. I'm really lucky I didn't get beat to a pulp by a hairy biker in drag.

But, perhaps he didn't want to break a nail?