Thursday, June 22, 2006

Toilet Paper Will Kill You

Back when I lived in California, and worked for the evil database empire, our jobs were in the process of getting outsourced to India.

This meant that the company shipped over a bus-load of Indians to America for us to train for a few months. They rented out a few apartments for them (fully furnished), and for most of the Indians, this was their first trip to America.

Now a couple of the guys were a lot of fun. Totally up for the "American Experience", they jumped in with both feet, and let us girls "corrupt" them by taking them out to bars, etc. They were funny, silly and loads of fun to hang around.

So, one night, a group of us girls decided to really welcome them to America with the mother of all American Experiences.......the random TP'ing.

Under the cloak of darkness, and with much giggling and stealthy-ness, about 5 of us girls ran to Safeway, and bought loads of toilet paper and plastic forks. We then drove to the apartments, parked a few buildings away from our targets, and waited.

We saw the guys stagger drunkenly off to another Indian's apartment, and figured we had about 5-10 minutes to accomplish our goal, so we pulled the nylon stockings over our faces, donned our hoodies, and took action! About 6 minutes later, their little slice of Apartment Front Yard was covered in toilet paper, and had also been "forked" (ie...we stuck plastic forks, prong down, all over any patch of grass and/or dirt we could find...dozens of them.) We then stealthily ran back to the car, giggling all the way, and drove off.....content that our little night of mayhem would make the guys laugh, and possibly confound them a lil' bit.

Fast forward to the next day:

Us girls are huddled together, waiting for our "victims" to arrive at work.

Enter the victims....looking, tired, disheveled, and slightly....nervous?


Us girls look at each other with slight confusion, and pounce on the guys when they get to their cubes.

Evil Girls- "Hey! Good morning! Did you guys notice anything....different....about your yard last night??"

Poor, Hapless Victims- *Look of Horror* "It was YOOOOOOUUUUU???!!"

EG- "Um....yeah......ha-ha?"

PHV- *Stunned Silence.....then nervous laughter* "W-what was that about, exactly?"

EG- "It's a joke! It's called "TP'ing....where you go to a friend's house, or wherever, and just blast the hell out of the place w/ toilet paper, and other random stuff. We thought we'd give you a little taste of American Tradition!"

PHV- *Audible breaths of relief* "Oooooooh!!! OH! Thank GOD!!!"

EG- *Looks of Confusion* "Why? What did you guys THINK it was??"

And with that, the regaled us with a tale of woe.....

Shortly after we stealthily drove off, giggling, the guys drunkenly staggered home w/ a female friend of theirs, a fellow Indian. They came upon the scene of carnage in their front yard, and stopped, momentarily confused. What the?? Then the female friend wisely nodded her sage-like head and said "Oooh! I've READ about this!! It's a warning!! First the forks.....Next comes......THE KNIFE!!!!"

Terrified, the boys ran in the house, and locked themselves in, convinced they had just received a death threat, and were soon sure to die a horrible death. As they sat, huddled in the livingroom in terror, one of the boys reflected on why there was also toilet paper strewn about everywhere. He came to the conclusion that it was a message from the Gods that they were being too slovenly in America. So, they spent the REST OF THE NIGHT in terror, cleaning the apartment, top to bottom.

They did not sleep. They just cleaned.

After they finished recounting their tale of woe, us girls did what could only be expected in such circumstances.....

We broke into uncontrollable laughter.

EG- "N-n-next c-comes THE KNIFE?? BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Too, y-you CLEANED??? BWAH HAHAHAHAAHA!!!!" (etc)

Luckily, the guys were good sports, and soon found the extreme humor in the situation, as well, and did not get us fired, or anything. Soon they were recounting the tale to their fellow countrymen and women, with much giggling and hand gestures.

Ah....Good Times....good times.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Dear Painfully Geeky Man Looking at the Anime' Section-

If you have Mega Man-Boobs, too tight tee-shirts MIGHT not be the right look for you.

Seriously, I think I may have a few bras you could borrow. They help lift and seperate.

Also...a helpful hint for cologne wearing?....

Don't wear so much that people can TASTE it.

That is all.

Thank you,
Your Helpful Bookseller