Thursday, July 27, 2006

2 AM

Sleeping Peacefully....



Me- *blink-blink* ...."What the..... Um, Martin? What the hell are you talking about?"

Martin- "Huh?"

Me- "You're yelling about something."

Martin- "I'm sleeping."

Me- "Ooohkay then..."

Martin- "Watch out for the monkeys tho'. Sneaky monkeys!"

Me- *blink*........ "Um...okay?"

Martin- "ELEPHANTS!!.....Elllleeeephaaaants......." *snore*

Me- *blink-blink*

Yeah....I don't EVEN want to know what that dream was about.

Monday, July 24, 2006

No, Really! Your Hump Is Stunning!

So, the other day at work, one of the girls I work w/ was ringing up this guy. He was nothing special, I couldn't even tell you what he looked like, but he had this splint on his finger, and a nasty gash across his knuckle.

My friend saw it and asked him "Oh! What did you do to your finger??"

He opened his mouth, and out rolled this amazing Australian accent:

"Oh, ah cot it ahn some baaahbed waare." (I cut it on some barbed wire)
*time stops, crickets chirp*

My friend feebly asks him "What?"

He repeats himself....."Ah cot it ahn some baaahbed waare." (and, off subject here, but when he said that, I immediately thought to ask him if he was keeping dingos away from the flock. Not sarcasticly, either. That was a SERIOUS thought that went through my head. No matter that we live in Oregon...yeah. Shut up. Stop laughing at me... Damn Aussie accent. Good thing I kept my mouth shut.)

"Oh....well, that looks really bad."

"Ehn. It's naaht thaaat bahhhhd. You have a g'day now!"

Our eyes longingly follow him out the door, and my friend turns to me and says "OH that accent!! I swear, it totally doesn't matter what a guy looks like when he sounds like that."

I replied, "Oh, I KNOW! I mean, you don't have to look at them, anyhow. Just close your eyes, stick a bag over their head, something. Just keep talking, damn it! KEEP TALKING!!"

We laughed, but it's SO true! Australian accents are sexy, yes....but, my downfall is a British one. Proper London, doesn't matter. Bust out w/ an English accent, and I become a panting puddle of quivering jell-o.

I overly hirsute, hunchbacked midget could walk up to me, and if London rolled off his tongue, suddenly he would grow 2 feet, have had a miraculous depilatory treatment, and that hunch would become an ASSET, baby!

Seriously. Keep talking. That's it. Just one more paragraph. Keep going. Ooh, conjugate that verb...almost there....


Anyone else feel that way about accents? Or am I just a freak? :)

Monday, July 17, 2006

Dear Beast Roaming Freely at Wal-Mart:

I realize that backless halter tops were all the rage....LAST SUMMER....but, I believe they were created for women that have perky "A" cup breasts, and weigh close to negative 50 pounds.

However, I'm FAIRLY positive that they were NOT created for a woman of your....stature.

Case in point...when something is designed to stay on by tying a string around your back, I'm pretty sure that said string is not supposed to be SWALLOWED WHOLE by abundant rolls of back-fat.


I wouldn't have known there WAS a string if I didn't know how those shirts work.

Also, if you are pushing a "Z" cup, shirts that let you....err..."hang freely"....PROBABLY should be also overlooked when shopping in the Junior "I couldn't squeeze my fat-ass into this without a crowbar, but I'll SURE TRY!!" section. I'm fairly certain I saw arreola hanging out from under your excuse for a shirt.

Trust me, honey. Good chance this is ONE instance that men won't want to see that.

Also, if you're wearing jeans so tight that your STOMACH has developed a camel-toe...

Wal-Mart has one, you know.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash your image from my brain.

The shell-shocked woman standing behind you in line

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Because It's Sunday....

I stole this idea from Chase (because she's the coolest EVAH!)

Top 10 Things You will NEVER hear me say:

"Whatever you say, honey. I will not question you, as you are a man, and clearly superior to me. Please, direct my every action. It makes me happy to have someone else run my life, as I clearly do not have the intelligence to do it myself!"

"Walk through that patch of overgrown backyard? CERTAINLY! I love having spiders crawl all over my bare skin. It's very invigorating."

"Oh, I can't eat that pasta. I'm cutting back on my carbs."

"I won the lottery? I'm sorry, but I just can't accept that kind of money. I'm much happier living check to check!!"

"Babysit your children? Sure!! I love having kids know, in ADDITION to my own little hellions. It makes life so much more INTERESTING when they're all destroying things I can't replace...!"

"Really, it's okay that your cat keeps breaking into my house and spraying all over my clean clothes! I LOVE the smell of cat urine! They should really bottle it, it's that great!"

"Oh, please don't turn the air conditioning on. I LOVE it when it's so hot I can fry an egg on my kitchen counter!! It saves me having to do dishes!"

"Hey, Mr. Man, PLEASE keep talking about me in a foreign language. I LOVE it when I can't understand the words that are accompanying your slimy, debaucherous looks!! What a boost to my self confidence, as I find you so incredibly sexy in your dirty, ill-fitting clothes! And the fact that you haven't showered in what appears to be close to a month REALLY turns me on."

"Oh, don't worry about picking up after yourself. I LOVE cleaning up your messes. It makes me feel so useful."

"Please treat me like a pariah, as that will CERTAINLY ensure that I will return to your church! It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy when you blatantly stare at me for ages in the grocery store, and change aisles when you see me coming. I KNOW that just being within a 2 foot radius of me will cause God to smite you, so by ALL MEANS, please act as if I have Ebola! I completely understand!! In fact, I'll just leave the store, so you can continue shopping in peace, without my disgraceful presence around!"