Monday, October 23, 2006

Hi, My Name Is Adena, and I'll Be Attracting Crazy Today...

So, I've been sick for a few days, and went to the doctor today.

Apparently, Monday is not the day to visit this particular doctor. My appointment was at 10, and I didn't get in to see her until 11. So, I was stuck in the waiting room for an hour....which, fine....I'll deal.

Then, in walked this woman....who promptly sat down in the section of chairs across from me.
When the first sentence out of someone's mouth is "Man, I should've taken my meds today...", you know you're in for some....interesting...conversation.

This woman proceeded to tell me ALL about herself....and I do mean ALL....

Eventually, she got to the point where she went into detail about her prolapsed uterus....and by that I mean she went into detail about out....FALLING OUT AND HANGING OUTSIDE OF HER BODY!!!!....and how since she's had them removed, she's growing this unsightly mustache....and has a.....growth....somewhere it shouldn't be....(and by "growth" I mean....imagine if a woman is producing too much testosterone, and not enough estrogen...and imagine what might...grow...)

So, this point I'm crawling out of my skin, and I look to the nurse behind the counter in horror, sending out mental pleas of "DEAR GOD, CALL ME BACK THERE....NOW!!!" I know she heard my mental pleas....but, all she did was grin evilly at me, wave cheerfully, and start laughing.

Bitch. (Ha)

Finally....FINALLY...I get called back to see the doc, leaving miss "Overshare" out in the waiting room, beginning to torture another unsuspecting soul.

The nurse takes my weight and says "Man, sure sounded like y'all were getting chummy out there" and then started w/ the evil laughter. I attract crazy???

Thursday, October 12, 2006

The Jalopy of Death

So, CERTAIN friends of mine (CoughKerriandEmilyCough) have been hounding me and hounding me EVERY MORNING by AIM to write my deathmobile story.

Even tho’ they were THERE, and they basically know all the details ANYHOW…..
But, I know…I’ve been blog-slacking. Sorry.

So, back in California, when I worked for the evil Database Empire, we knew we were getting laid off on a certain day. Martin and Arianna came up to Oregon in March, and I stayed in Cali until mid-June, to finish up the job. Martin took the car w/ him to Oregon, so I needed a quickie cheap vehicle…

I posted a message on the internal chat site asking if anyone had a car they wanted to get rid of, and this lady got back to me that she had a car she’d sell to me for 700 bucks. (In California, that’s unheard of cheap.) So, I basically took it w/o really thinking about it…I needed a car.
I don’t even remember what it was….it was like a late 70’s-early 80’s hooptie car….the thing was a boat. It was this ugly brown, w/ ugly southwestern (I hate southwestern motifs) seat covers, and it didn’t have air conditioning. (In Summer. In California. Ugh.)

The lady I bought it from, basically after I agreed to buy it, threw in a little disclaimer….
“Oh….by the way…, we bought this car at auction. It was in an accident before we bought it. It was totaled out, but for whatever reason they fixed it and didn’t salvage the title…so, it’s got a clean title. Oh…..and….intheaccidentsomeonediedinthecar.”

Wait. Back up there, missy….

So, yeah….the accident that totaled the car, also managed to kill some guy. The guy who was driving the car. A guy who DIED IN THE SEAT I WAS NOW SITTING ON!

Um, okay. A little disconcerting, but I tried not to think about it. However, the horrid Southwestern motif seat covers were put on the seats, because she was hiding…..stains. Yeah. Annihilated people stains. (When I relayed that little bit of info to Kerri, she freaked out. “Adena! I just screamed inside my head!!”)

So, anyhow, I drove the deathmobile, as it affectionately (?) became known, until mid-June, when I moved back to Oregon. I had every intention of turning it in to some junkyard when I left, but the girl I was living with at the time, and who packed my stuff when I was in India, because her brother sold the house out from under us (long story), had actually lost the title in her attempt of packing. So, no junkyard in the area would touch the deathmobile w/ a 10 foot pole w/o a title. So, I was stuck. What to do??

So, I did what any self respecting person w/ a deathmobile to get rid of would do……I left it in a K-Mart parking lot, and drove to Oregon in my moving truck. I left the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked, hoping someone down on their luck would be all “HEY! Free car!!”

No such luck.

I got an email from the lady I bought it from like 2 months later. Apparently, the cops called her to come get her car from the K-mart (because I never put it in my name). I told her what happened, and told her to try and sell it again, and keep the money.

I have no idea if she managed to get rid of it. Apparently, I was the first person who managed to get past the idea of driving while sitting on someone’s……earthly remains…..

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Clean Up, Aisle One! And Two! And Three! AND FOUR!!

So, today I'm in Walgreen's, hanging out 'til my prescription is filled.

I'm staring blankly at the make-up, when suddenly, this little mexican man opens the front door, and SCREAMS into the store:

"HEY! Did anyone drop their Nitroglycerin outside??"


The couple standing next to me and I looked at at each other in horror, and then we started laughing hysterically.


This stuff only happens to me.....