Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Holy Muffin Top, Batman!

Dear Girl Walking in Front of McDonald's-

I know you think wearing track pants is "OH SO FASHIONABLE", and I know you think wearing an itty-bitty zip up hoodie with the track pants is "HOTTT".

However, when you decide to forgo wearing a shirt UNDERNEATH the hoodie, and that hoodie is NOT quite long enough to reach the top of the track pants, since they're the low-riding kind, I have just one request:



Did you NOT see the fact that your gut hangs out over the top of the pants? And it's not like the teeny bopper, tight pants/ "muffin top" effect (which I also can't stand), because I've seen enough teenage fat being Squeeeezed out the top of pants to be able to now just roll my eyes at it.

However, you were a whole different entity. One which I feel needs to be addressed. Your fat was not being squeeeezed out the top. Noooo, it was just....there. Hanging limply over the top of your elastic waistband. Moving merrily with every step you took. Swishing with each hip sway. It was strangely hypnotic. And, judging by the faces of the people in cars driving by, I was not the only one that was horrified fascinated with your display.

So, in the interest of avoiding a future 15 car pile-up, can you please look into purchasing a few tee-shirts?

Thank You,
A Concerned Citizen in the McDonald's Drive Thru.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

For My Daughter- A Lesson On How To Wake Your Mother Up.

(I should preface this with the fact that I read a LOT of Stephen King. This will make sense later.)

Dear Arianna-

If you want to wake mommy up, there are a few ways that are acceptable.
Mommy is a light sleeper, so you can wake her up by shaking her, talking to her, or even though this way is slightly creepy, she'll even accept you standing next to her and STARING at her until she wakes up.

However, there is one way that she never, ever, EVER wants you to wake her up again.
If you have snuck into the bedroom without anyone knowing, and have decided to sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed....and EVEN IF mommy IS sleeping on her stomach with her feet dangling off the end of the bed where you can see them above you....never, EVER, EVER again decide to reach up, grab one of those feet and tug on it.

After mommy has crawled out of her skin, and crawled UP the wall to get away from the monster under her bed, she will be VERY, VERY upset with you.

Think of this a lesson learned...


Sunday, March 05, 2006

Yay! Drunken Monkeys!!*

*I should really have a category for "Stupid Martin Tricks".

Anyhow, the name of the title comes from yesterday, after Martin agreed to give Jack a shower. He yelled "Hey, bring me the baby" from the bathroom, and SOMEHOW I heard "Yay! Drunken Monkeys!". It also made me wonder exactly WHAT he was doing in the shower, to inspire such an excited exclamation.

I also thought it was a very appropriate title, given what happened last night:
We went to our friends' house to play poker. They have 3 kids, and add our 2, and it's unorganized chaos in that house. Martin and "Male Friend" went to get mexican food. They also decided to stop by the liquor store. When they got back, I decided I didn't really want mexican, as I'd had it about 3 days in a row, so I drove myself to the Thai place.
When I got back w/ my food, the boys were nicely toasted. Expensive Scotch Whiskey will do that to you...fast.

So, as I sat down at the table to eat, the following chaos ensued:

Somehow, in Martin's drunken stupor, as he was standing by the poker table, he turned around and decided that Jack's infant carseat, that was sitting on the FLOOR, had somehow morphed into a full size adult chair. Therefore, he decided to sit on it.

As he fell (naturally) backwards, the contents of the tumbler of scotch he was holding were flung sideways.....STRAIGHT into Jack's face....who was innocently laying on the floor on the other side of the table.

Now, as I'm sitting at the table, I'm kind-of in that state where I see everything happening, but I'm helpless to stop it. I see Martin fall, and I look over at Jack, and this is the scene as played out on Jack's face:

"Oh look, Dad is trying to sit in my carseat. Haha! He's falling, that's funn.....WHOA...WTF IS ON MY FACE?? OH SHIT! IT BURNS!! I'M GOING TO SCREAM NOW!! LOUDLY!!"

So, I run over and scoop Jack up, take him to the sink, and start washing his face off, mad because my baby just had Scotch thrown in his eyes, but kind-of laughing, because what a friggen comedy of errors!!

I get the Scotch off, and Jack's cries have changed from "Ow!" to pure, rightous fury, so I know he's alright. Then Martin decides to help. He proceeds to dump water over the top of Jack's head....igniting even MORE screams of pure fury.


I got the whole thing eventually calmed down, but I do believe that this will be a moment that will be forever memorialized in my mind...and WILL be brought up as the situation calls for it.
"Hey Martin....remember when you nearly blinded your son...?"

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Arianna has an aversion to sleeping in her room. She either flat out refuses, or she sneaks into mine in the middle of the night...bringing along whatever she was sleeping w/ that night.
So, this morning, I wake up...and in my sleep induced haze, as I gaze down over the side of the bed, I see this:

Holy Shit! I've never woken up so fast. And, I think now I've acquired a new phobia.