Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Got Bruises?

I ran into a doorframe (shut up) which got me thinking about bruises.

I've never been one to bruise. I mean, at least I don't COLORIZE. I can FEEL that I've obtained a bruise, because of the big "OW!" factor going on under my skin, but for some reason, I don't get bruises that actually turn colors. For that reason, no one ever believes that I've really hurt myself. It's actually kind-of annoying. If I've managed to take out an entire wall w/ my shoulder, God DAMN IT I want something to show for it!!

I've never understood it. I'm almost see through pale. You'd think I'd bruise really EASILY...but, skin just stays white. Big, giant owie on my shoulder....I swear!! You just can't see it!! Anybody else have this "problem"?

But, than I was thinking...every once in a great while, the planets will allign, and I'll get a spectacular bruise. This reminded me of when I lived in Colorado.

I worked in a deli at the local supermarket. We were like a mini restaurant. We did lots of cooking from scratch, as well as the usual deli stuff. So, it was really crowded in our little area. We had this sandwich know, w/ the metal lid you'd lift up to reveal all the condiments and veggies? It had a fridge underneath, and a cutting area on it, so it was pretty....substantial.
One day, I was running around w/ my head cut off, and I bailed out of the walk-in cooler and ran STRAIGHT into the corner of the sandwich cart. It did not move. So, I impacted pretty hard.

Now, I'm fairly tall. So, the cart caught me SQUARELY in the Hoo-Ha.

Oh.My.GOD, the PAIN!!!

With my eyes tearing up, I had to finish helping the customer I was waiting on BEFORE I managed to mortally injure my Va-Jay-Jay. I could not scream the profanities I was thinking. My friend/coworker Josh, who had not seen my glorious manuever, still managed to realize something was amiss, and kept looking at me all concerned like.

I finished up w/ the customer, motioned to him that I was walking to the back of the store, and went to the back hallway. Where I let loose w/ a stream of profanities. Josh showed up momentarily, "What the hell??"

I told him what happened, and if you could've seen the expression on his face....priceless. Instantly his hands were covering his own "jewels" in sympathy and horror.

"Jesus Christ!! Are you Okay?? You'd better go to the restroom and see if you're mortally wounded. I'll cover for you. Eeech!! *more protective covering of himself* I'm sooo glad I'm taller than you. Can you imagine if that happened to me?? I'd be out for the count!"

So, I limped up to the front of the store, not expecting much, because I don't bruise, remember? I get to the bathroom, and inspect the injury.

Jesus H. Christ!! What was I saying about not bruising?? Yeah, I take it back. My whole Hoo-ha "area" was now completely black...with dark purplish edging. This was a bruise for the ages!!! Holy cork! But, damn it! It was in an area I couldn't actually SHOW anyone. (Well, at least w/o getting fired.) I was so disappointed.

So, I went back, told Josh the colorful story, which was met w/ MORE protective covering of his package, and a look of pure horror.....Immediately followed by insane laughter. Bastard. So, of course I started laughing, too. I mean, only I could manage to obtain such a horrific injury to my flippin' HOO-HA!!

I finished out the day, and for the most part had put my big owie out of my head. I went home, and promptly forgot about it.

I was getting undressed for bed, later that night, and I hear Martin scream "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???". I look at him, and he's staring in horror at my lower quadrant. Oh, yeah. I tell him what happened, and he's still dumbstruck w/ horror.

"Holy shit, does that hurt??"

"Um, yeah. I'm thinking sex is out of the picture for a few weeks."

"That's okay. I'm pretty sure I won't be interested for at least a few weeks!!"

(It took about that long for the bruise to go away, too...)

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