Things Heard Today, Episode #2

(While sitting in a waiting room, stealing horrified glances at the obvious meth-heads a couple chairs over.)

Receptionist, to other Receptionist: "I don't like this fake Sudafed stuff. It just doesn't have the 'kick' that the original Sudafed had."

Meth-head #1: *hysterical laughter* *itch itch pick pick*

*************

Later-Meth-head #1 to Meth-head #2: "Yeah, well I asked Jimmy about it, and he said it didn't matter that I had multiple felonies" *itch itch pick pick*

Things Heard Today

(As sitting in the drive thru lane of the local Mexican food joint, waiting for a rather large couple to pass by us, so we can go. The man was wearing cut off jean shorts, and a cut off / no sleeve plaid shirt barely covering his beat up, no sleeve tee-shirt.)

Martin: (under his breath) "Careful. You don't want to run over Larry the Cable Guy."
_________

(I walk into the living room and see Arianna laying on her back, with her feet over her head, wrapped around the back of her neck)

Me: "What in the WORLD are you doing??"

Arianna: "Experiencing inner peace."

Wendy's Poisoned Me- A Haiku:

Evil hamburger.
Expelling an elephant,
out of my stomach.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

So, Jack has been in this verbal stage where he's been having to name EVERYTHING.

Doesn't matter what it is, he has to point at it and tell us what it is. This goes w/ people, too.

Our friend Joe comes over quite often to hang out and play poker. Everytime he comes over, he brings a 6 or 12 pack of beer.

Unfortunately, Jack has picked up on this, and now refuses to call Joe by his name. He is now known as "Beer."

As in, Jack will look around the room, point at us, and be all "Mom....Dad....Nana..........Beer."

Most. Hysterical. Thing. EVER!!

Giggle Freak

Jack Discovering Balloons.

Diamonds are a Girl's...uh...Bikers? Best Friend?

I've been such a slacker about writing.I've been busy with work, and Martin has taken over my computer playing "Oblivion", which I stupidly bought for myself, but then realized how much I HATE moving w/ a mouse and keyboard, and much rather like the Xbox controls. (And yes, I know you can buy controllers for your computer, but we can't get it to work right w/ Oblivion....it won't change direction...you still have to move the mouse to swivel. If anyone knows how to FIX that, then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know!!)

Anyhow, point is, I haven't had a lot to write about. I've been a picture taking fool, but I've been posting those to Flickr.

So, I got to thinking....I should probably share stories of funny things that happened to me in the past. I've had a LOT of those!So, here's a good one from Colorado.....

I used to work grocery, and I worked in the Deli at a place called "City Market" in Durango, Co.

Now it was more than your typical deli....we actually cooked. I mean, we had the normal packaged deli stuff, and the deep fried stuff, and the meats...but, we actually got up at the butt crack of dawn, and cooked breakfast from scratch to put in the hot case.

Now, this involved working a 4am-1pm shift. It was a 24 hour store, so the crazies usually were in there around that time in the morning.

Now Durango has a big Harley Biker event called the Iron Horse Rally....where thousands of Harley'd men and women invade the town, and do this giant bike rally through the mountains. It's really impressive. However, with that come a lot of the Harley FREAKS. Now....don't get me wrong...I adore most bikers. However, there are exceptions to every rule.

I remember one day, working in the deli, and I hear my friend, Josh, say something to the effect of "Holy Mother of....." and I turned around to see what he was talking about.

Yeah.

Woman.

In chaps. And a bikini top. And a g-string.

Did I mention chaps?

It was....interesting. Every guy in the store had to hide behind waist height things for a few minutes, tho'.

Anyhow, one morning I dragged myself out of bed for the 4am shift, and entered a fairly deserted store. I rounded the corner to walk through the paper aisle to get to the deli, and nearly ran into this giaganto, majorly hairy biker dude.

Seriously.

Robin Williams hairy.

And he was pretty hefty, as well. Which is all well and fine, and expected in your average biker.

However, what set him apart from the crowd was that he was dressed in a silk, pink floral mini sundress.

Yes, you read that right.

Silk.

Sundress.

Floral.

Hairy.

Now, at 4am, you don't really react well to unexpected situations like that. I'm really lucky I didn't get beat to a pulp by a hairy biker in drag.

But, perhaps he didn't want to break a nail?

Horror Show

We had nice weather this weekend, and Martin decided to go out and mow the lawn on Sunday afternoon.

He was outside for a while, happily mowing away in the backyard, and I was inside, puttering around the house.

Suddenly, I see him run up to the slider, and start doing a little dance, shedding clothes. Now this wasn't a "Hey, baby...watch me take off my clothes" type of dance. It was more of a "OH HOLY HELL!! CLOTHES OFF NOW. NOW! NOW!!" type of dance.

I watched, bemused, for a few seconds, then he opened up the slider, and rushed inside, still shedding clothes out the back door, emitting a series of "EE EE EEEE!" sounds.

I said something to the effect of "What. The. F#&%?!" and he responded with "Sss....Sp.....SPIDERRRRSS!!"

"What the heck? You're not afraid of spiders."

"I'm not afraid of A spider. I am, however, a little panicked when surrounded by enough spiders to EAT ME WHOLE!"

So, apparently, he was happily mowing away by the side of the house/garage, when he happened to glance at the concrete walkway between the grass and the side of the garage. It is normally grey concrete. When he glanced at it, it was black. Wondering why it had changed color, he went in for a closer look. It was now black because it was COVERED W/ THOUSANDS OF BLACK SPIDERS!!!

I remained skeptical that there could be THAT many spiders, and went out to investigate.

Me.

Who has a spider phobia.

In flip-flops.

So, we go out the front door, and around to the side gate, and I look at the walkway, which is the normal grey cement I was used to.

Martin shuddered and said they all ran out from the grass because he was mowing right there. In fact, the mower was still there, a victim abandoned to the spider hoardes.

I remained unconvinced, and walked down the walkway to peer closer into the grass. The grass which was....moving....Martin, in an attempt to convince me, decided to jump out into the grass to flush some of the spiders onto the pathway.

Sure enough, a good fair amount of them came zipping onto the pavement, and then back into the grass. Nasty, black, fast spiders.And the grass was still.....moving.....on it's "own".

Yeah, me and my flip-flops retreated onto the safety of the driveway, w/ Martin close behind, dragging the mower away from certain death.

So, it appears I need to pesticide the hell out of my side yard. Because I sure as hell am not letting my kids out there to play amongst the army of black nasties.

*Shudder*

I've Really Got To Stop Doing That!

Me- "Hey, Martin....it's time to get up...."

Martin- "NonoNO! HOW many times do I have to tell you?? STOP turning off the lights at Wal-Mart!!"

Me- *blink blink*......."Ummm.......you're right....I'll go turn them back on.....terribly sorry....

Martin- "THANK you!.....Mmmphdmmmfh......zzzzzzzzzzzzz"


In related news, I dreamt about vampires overtaking grocery stores.

Coincidence?

I think not.

What's Next? Leeches?

This weekend it was spectacularly nice outside, so we decided to clean. The house, the garage...didn't matter....we just needed to overhaul. So, I took on the inside, and Martin took on the garage, because he has this master plan to make it a poker room / home office. (We don't ever park the cars in the garage, anyhow.)

Our friend, Jason, came over to help, because well...he's a guy...and you mention "Poker Room" to a guy...

So, things were progressing merrily along, and I'm in the kitchen doing the dishes when I hear this GIGANTO ROAR from the garage. I figure Martin has tripped over something, because he's not exactly the most graceful person in the world, and think nothing more of it.

A few minutes later, Jason pokes his head in the kitchen.

"Uh, 'Dena? Martin's going to need some ice...and a towel."

I kind-of laugh, and ask Jason what happened, not expecting anything major.

"He just totally split his head open. He's totally dripping blood all over the floor of the garage. I mean, it's REALLY dripping...." was the answer.

Now, Jason used to be a semi-professional skateboarder, so he's seen many a major injury. If he says someone is "really dripping", there's probably a geyser going on.

So, I jet on out to the garage to check out the damage. Martin is crouched on the floor, puddle of blood in front of him, holding his head.....and Jason is totally right....much drippage.
I ask what the hell happened.

Soooo......Martin decided he didn't like the curtain that was covering the garage window. He decided to take it down. So, in order to reach it, he had to climb up onto the computer desk. When he climbed up, he did not pay attention to what was above him, and stood STRAIGHT up (full force) into the edge of the track for our garage door.

Sharp Steel + Noggin = Owie.

We all laughed at his expense for a bit, especially when we forced him to pour peroxide directly onto his wound, and watched him to make sure he didn't fall asleep for a long time.
A few hours later, I ask him how his head is feeling....

Martin- "Hurts like hell"

Me- "Did you just cut your scalp, or do you think you cracked your skull?"

Martin- "I'm pretty sure I cracked it."

Me- "How can you tell?"

Martin- "There was a.....noise."

Me- "A 'noise'?"

Martin- "Yup. I figured that probably wasn't a good sign."

Me- "Um, no...probably not. Are you going to be okay? Do you think you need to go to the doc?"

Martin- "Nah....I'll be fine......On the upside, tho'.....It TOTALLY cleared up my sinuses!"

Me- *Incredulous look*

Martin- "No, SERIOUSLY! It like relieved some pressure on my brain, or something."

Me- "So....you're advocating head wounds to clear up nasal passages? Is this like boring a hole in your skull to help headaches? Bloodletting to get rid of fevers? Are we in 1832?"

Martin- "Shuddup."

NEVER a dull day at my house, I tell you....

TequilaCon Mini-Update!

Random TequilaCon Happenings:

Sizzle losing her keycard from out of her bra. (Hey, I stored my money and ID in mine!)

Then asking Hilly if she'd check in there and see if she could find it.

Hilly accomadating this request, and feeling up Sizzle for a good couple of minutes, while proclaiming "Hey! I felt some nipple!"

The two of them deciding that after being the feltee and felter, that they should probably just make out, and laying a big, drunken smooch on each other.

Some random guy standing in the hallway watching the entire exchange w/ his mouth hanging open.

Said guy, after it was all over, stumbling out of the door, shellshocked, muttering "This is the BEST night of my LIFE!!"

Me, sober, laughing hysterically at the entire event.

It was a blast to meet you all!