Happy Friggen Holidays

He looks so annoyed, but I swear this should be an ad for "The Gap" or something.

About Last Night

So, martin didn't feel good, and was being typically guy-like about it. (IE...grumpy and whiny)

So, i made the mistake of getting on him about something, while sitting on the couch eating dinner, and watching tv.

Next thing i knew, he had flung mashed potatoes at me. (Like using both hands to flick a fork w/ food on it.)

No, he is not 12...although, at that point, i think he may have been.

In utter shock that I actually had mashed potatoes clinging to the side of my face, i was unsure whether to get royally pissed, or start laughing hysterically. I was leaning towards laughing hysterically, but I wanted him to think i was pissed, so i left the room.

I know he was thinking he was in SERIOUS shit, so he came in the room i was in, saying "ok...so the potatoes was a little over the top...."

Uh...YOU THINK??

men.

Theiving Cat Related Coronaries

So, I go into the back bathroom, off my bedroom, and commence bathroom related activities. As I'm sitting there, in the dimly sunlight lit bathroom, i lean my head back, and look up.....to a pair of eyes staring back at me.

I guess, since i nearly pee'd my pants in fear, I was in the right place.

Stupid cat.

We've got these shelves that are right next to the toilet, that go up to the ceiling. He was sitting on the top shelf.

SO, a couple seconds later, i hear him rustling around w/ something up there. Now, this is a shelf I put NOTHING on, because it's so high up, I can't reach it. So, I get the step ladder and peer into the shelf.

I have found the cat's version of a Pirate Treasure Booty. Hair clips, small stuffed animals, socks, various paper things, etc....
Oh well, if anything important goes missing, I know where to look.

Are You SERIOUS??

So, after much begging and pleading from Arianna, I let her watch the 8:00 pm "special" of Spongebob Squarepants.

It was an episode that involved Spongebob forgetting to feed Gary, and Gary packing up a little hobo hankerchief-on-a-stick bag, and leaving town. Then promptly getting "caught" by a seemingly sweet little old lady who feeds him until he discovers dozens of empty snail shells in a hall closet....then he looks at a picture on the wall of the little old lady w/ dozens of snails, and all the picture snails suddenly yell "RUN!!" (this cracked me up).

Anyhow...meanwhile, Spongebob is searching for Gary, with much tears and "I'm SORRY!"s....
I hear a funny sound to my right, and look down at Arianna, and....

SHE'S CRYING!!!!

OVER SPONGEBOB!!!

*rolls eyes*

Oh my sweet lord....

"Um, Let's Stay Home Tonight, Honey.."

So, Greg of TV Guy (a Must-Read, btw), came up with a theory as to why some films don't do better in the box office.

It's all about the titles, people.

Anyhow, he took the time to find both good and bad movies w/ horrible titles, and came up w/ handy categories, etc....Then, he emailed me basically a challenge to find some more. (Right, Greg?)

Well...I'm not attempting to find movies that are GOOD w/ bad titles....all mine fall into his "Films that were terrible AND had bad names..." category. At least I assume they are terrible...based on the names....(SEE? His theory is correct!...or these could just be really terrible)

I went to netflix and looked up movies in two genres..."asian" and "horror".
WHAT A WEALTH OF HORRIBLE TITLES!! Really, i had to look no further.

And without further ado (and in no particular order)...*drum roll, please*....

1. Driving Miss Wealthy- I swear this isn't a porno. It just brings bad visuals of old people, and cars...and porn. Not a good combo.
2. Itchy Heart- Do they make an ointment for that?
3. The Fatal Flying Guillotine- Um...I assume a flying guillotine would be fatal, yes....
4. Inspector Wears Skirts- This falls into the "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" category...Only watch if you are a gay man, or a drag queen. Anyone else will be clawing their eyes out.
5. Woman Demon Human- Cat Dog Fish Horse Cow....the list goes on and on....
6. Attack the Gas Station!- Well, this doesn't seem such a bad idea, what w/ the rising gas prices, and all...
7. Bcuz of U- Anyone else HATE W/ A FORCE BEYOND REASON! when people shorten words like this? How hard is it to just type in the real word???? (and, as a side note...Indians, from India, are notorious for doing this. I mean, half my aim training sessions w/ them, i couldn't understand what the hell they were trying to say because of their attempt at "american slang". The best one was when one guy told my friend, in an attempt to get her to visit India, that "she should cum, she'd really like it". We nearly died. DIED, i tell you!)
8. Seven Days in Coffin- I'd assume that would lead to MANY more days in coffin...
9. Chopin: Desire for Love- Now, I thought "Amadeus" was good...but this is pushing it.
10. Let's Make a Grandson- Anyone else find this dripping in incestious undertones? Anyone??
11. Blood Creature / Werewolf in a Girls' Dorm- This describes every horror movie EVER made. EVER.
12. Blood Orgy of the She-Devils - I'm picturing cheerleaders luring in hapless men...
13. Dracula: Dirty Old Man / Guess What- Um...I really don't even know what to say, here...
14. Monster a-Go-Go! /Psyched by the 4-D Witch- Monster a-Go-Go?? Horror Musical??
15. This Stuff'll Kill Ya / Year of the Yahoo- Is this a hint to stay off the internet?
16. Attack of the Virgin Mummies- Well....I'd be pretty pissed too....
17. Filthy McNastier / Filthy McNastiest- Huh? I swear this isn't a porn, either.
18. I Eat Your Skin/The Undertaker & Pals- Betcha didn't know Jeffrey Dahmer made a film?
19. Toxie: Curse of the Cannibal Confederates- When soldiers go bad...
20. When Puppets and Dolls Attack!- This may be the scariest title EVER!!
21. Satanic Yuppies- Aren't they all?....aren't they all....
22. Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator- Wow...What'd Stephanie do to deserve THAT?
23. Da Hip Hop Witch- This cracks me up. Da Hip Hop Witch, Yo!
24. Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy- Again, Not a Porno.
and my personal favorite....
25. Doggy Poo- Yes, my friends...this is an animated film about a pile of shit. I kid you not.

How Flippin' Cute IS THIS??

Baby Swings From HELL!!

Anyhow, Jack a baby swing.

It's great, and he goes to sleep in it, and i couldn't be happier w/ it.

The problem is...at night....when he's sleeping in it next to the bed....the sound that the mechanics of it makes....sounds like someone whispering.

I swear...the first night I really noticed it, it sounded like it was saying "HowYOUdoin?"

Imagine trying to sleep w/ a whispering voice saying "HowYOUdoin?HowYOUdoin?HowYOUdoin?HowYOUdoin?"

OMG...it was both annoying me, and FREAKING ME OUT!

So, now, every night, it's "saying" something different. I think as the batteries wear down, the sound changes. Unfortunately....if i turn off the swing, Jack immediately wakes up.
I'm doomed to hear voices from baby furniture.

This can't be a good sign.

*Update-4:40 am*

So, last night it was "iSEEyou!iSEEyou!iSEEyou!iSEEyou!iSEEyou!iSEEyou!"

My God, I'm living in a horror movie!

Letter To Myself:

Dear Me:

In the future, please do not buy new gaming system while there are still new episodes of favorite tv shows still being produced. You WILL miss them all.

Also, look into whether or not Microsoft has added some form of aerosol crack into their gaming system. This is the only logical reason as to why you'd stay up til 2 am playing video games.

Please do this forthwith.

Thank you, that is all.

Love,
Me

Fire In The Hole!!

So, last night, Martin decides he wants to cook some steak.

We've got these cast iron skillets, and martin insists on "cleaning" them by just cooking oil in them. (personally, this grosses me out, whether or not this is "how it's done", and I end up washing them normally when he's not looking. Shh....)
Anyhow, he pours oil in a pan, gets a phone call about some computer issue, and LEAVES THE OIL COOKING IN THE PAN.
I'm sitting in the livingroom, and i hear this *POOF*. I look into the kitchen area, and see an eerie orange glow. Uht oh. So, I hastily put the baby down, run into the kitchen, and see a giant pan of flames.

So, i'm screaming "FIRE!", and martin comes running into the kitchen, picks up the frying pan, is holding it out in the middle of the kitchen, screaming "Baking Soda!".

Meanwhile, ALL of the fire alarms in the house have gone off, startling the baby into crying, the cat into histronics, and probably our neighbors wondering what the hell is going on. (I should state that Arianna slept through the ENTIRE commotion.)

I can't find baking soda, martin realizes "cast iron skillet + Fire = HOT!, and sets the pan BACK ON THE STOVE, and it's still flaming. I'm yelling at him to take it outside, not to put it back under WOODEN CABINENTS, and he runs out the back door w/ flaming skillet of death.
It finally went out on the back porch.

I'm guessing our neighbors think we're crackheads.

Martin took it as an Omen to NOT cook, and we had hot pockets for dinner.

Only My Child...

She's on a roll today...

I'm changing Jack's diaper, and we have the following conversation:

Arianna- "So mom, when is he going to start talking?"

Me- "Oh, not for a while yet"

Arianna- "What do you think his first word will be?
"
Me- "I dunno...that's really up to him"

Arianna- "It will probably be something like....No....Yes....Ankylosing Spondylitis...."

Me- *hysterical laughter*

Apparently she's been having a chat w/ my dad about his condition....

Kids Are Easily Impressed

So, I heat up Arianna's kid's meal from yesterday, because she was asleep when Martin brought home "dinner" last night.

So, I pull out the toy (arctic circle gives out cool kids toys) and it's a viewfinder w/ a couple slides.

Arianna is all "OOOH OOH OOOOH!! What a cool toy!!"

I say, yes, it's pretty cool.

She says "WOW! What a GREAT TOY!!!"

*Pause*

"what is it, exactly?"