Can We Say OW??

Is it bad when your doctor looks at your nipples, and has this reaction?:

*Very Audible Sucking in of Breath* "Ooooooooh.....Yikes!"

You see, I am both breast feeding and bottle feeding Jack. Well, mainly bottle feeding, but at night and in the morning, it's breast feeding. You see, he sleeps w/ us, so it's much easier when he sorta wakes up at night to just pop in a boobie, and he's good to go. He sleeps through the night, I sleep through the night...ahhhh...all is well.

EXCEPT that Jack has thrush. I went to the doc and they prescribed this Nystatin stuff that is this sticky orange liquid i was supposed to squirt in his mouth. Worked great til it ran out. THEN his trush came back. So, I went to the health food store to get him some acidopholous. They told me to buy this infidus bifidus something-a-dus-or-other. So, I've been faithfully sticking that in his bottle. Thrush wasn't getting any better, but not worse either. THEN i do some research. Basically the bacteria i've been feeding him is for the Large Intestine. Acidopholous is something different, and for the small Intestine(and thrush and yeast infections). So, the bastards at the health food store made about 20 bucks off me for live bacteria that isn't helping Jack's thrush, but is probably making him poo really well. Anyhow, Long Story Short(er)....he still has thrush. I bought some acidopholous yesterday, and he's now getting that.

HOWEVER....in the meantime, he passed the thrush to MY NIPPLES!!

This is NOT pleasant. It's like a diaper rash on your boobies. It does not feel good. So, i go to the doc. She prescribes the same stuff that Jack's doc prescribed for his mouth. The EXACT same stuff. So, I'm supposed to slather this sticky, orange junk on my nipples. I could probably jump on a wall, and stay there....stuck by my boobs...like velcro.

Anyhow, I dutifully plaster this stuff on, and....

Oh....My.....God.....

I have now just slathered my nipples in a nice, friendly dose of NAPALM!!!!

Holy cow, this hurts. It better friggen work.

Anyhow, my doc also prescribed birth control...right? So, she prescribes a "mini" pill, since i'm Breastfeeding (and can't take the normal pill). However, apparently, I'm not breastfeeding ENOUGH, and in her words, this pill "might not be THAT effective".

Um...not THAT effective? What the hell is that?? It's like "here this condom has a few holes in it...it may or may not work. HAVE FUN!!"

Martin says he's never having sex again until he's had a vasectomy. I think I may agree with him there.

What Does She Say at School??

So, last night, I sat down to watch some TV, and drink a little soda.

Arianna was in the kitchen, and martin ran into the bathroom (which is connected to the kitchen. Don't ask me...it's an old house).

Anyhow, apparently, he didn't shut the door, because next thing I knew, Arianna walked into the livingroom, and stated...loudly....

"SO.....Dad has a BIG penis, and Jack has a LITTLE penis....Right?"

Soda hurts when it shoots out your nose.

Maditory Bush Joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, President Bush looks up and asks:

"How many is a brazillion?"

Oh...My...God

The "E!" Channel Rocks...

They have this show called "Taradise".

Yep, you got it, Tara Reid's adventures in travelling.

HOW STUPID IS THIS GIRL??

I'm really amazed. Apart from the fact she's the biggest F'in lush in the world, her intellect puts Jessica Simpson to shame.

Example A:
Tara- *Drunken slur* "I think everyone should go eat at that place called 'Antiqua'"
Tara's Brother- "Um, pretty sure that means it's an Antique Store"
Tara- "Oh."

Ahhhh....Thank you "E!", for making me feel so good about myself!

Out of the Mouth of Arianna..

I told Martin's cousin who was visiting from Philly, that he was going to wind up in my blog. The reason being this:

We were all at a family function (martin's uncle, matt "the cousin's," grandpa died, so we were at a get-together).

Anyhow, Matt has this skin tag/mole thing on his finger. It's not really a true mole, because it's not brown. It just this white bump of skin.

Anyhow, arianna was shaking his hand, or something, and she half saw it. So, she was all "what's that", and matt got embarrased, or something, and pulled his hand away, saying "nothing, nevermind".

But, she kept persisting..."lemme see...no LEMME SEE!!"

So, finally, he gave in, and showed her, and she was all matter-of-fact, and said "Oh....it's a nipple" and then went about her business.

Meanwhile, the table erupted into merryment.

Poor Matt. :)

Ah, Local TV Newscasters!

First off, they congratulate some producer on their birthday, by saying "They're the Oldest Beaver in the Studio!"

WHAA??

Then, I realize they're talking about being an Oregon State (Beavers) alumni, but Good God...Do they not realize what comes out of their mouths, sometimes??

Then, they have a "hard-hitting" story about how Oregon and Washington aren't happy about the press they're getting from some Tee-Shirts that are being sold at some local stores. I'm thinking they must be pretty bad to get newsplay. Riiiight. These are the slogans they're all upset about:

Oregon: Come for the Fishing...Stay for the Strippers

and

Washington: WAY less Murders Than Washington D.C.!

Meanwhile, I'm wondering when I can go get me a couple!

Don't Wake Up The Monkey!

I'm convinced that the thoughts that run through my baby's head are similar to those of Stewie, on "The Family Guy".

This is a picture of what he looks like when I attempt to wake him whilst he is sleeping:

Totally a "You'll pay, woman" look.

Kids are Impressionable...

Example #1:

There are these stupid cell phone commercials, I'm not even sure for what provider, that say "Hello, Moto". Well, Martin has taken to calling people on the phone, and when they answer, saying "Hello, Moto".

He's a dork, what can i say.

So, the other day, the kids and I are in Wal-Mart. We're standing in line, it's a busy day at Wally World.

Arianna stands in front of the car-seat, which is attached to the front of the cart, looks at Jack, and says, LOUDLY....

"HELLO, MOFO!!"

I about died.

Martin obviously needs to enunciate more.

Funny, Funny Chillun

Martin has been carpooling to work, so I don't have to drive him. It's been a big relief.
Yesterday, he was at the guy's house that he carpools with, and on my way back into town, i went to pick him up there. He walks out of the house, and he's gotten a haircut at some point in the day. It's like military cut. Barely any hair. Joy.

So, Arianna pipes up in the back "Dad's BALD!!"

She'd undone her seatbelt, so Martin was getting her hooked back in, and this is their conversation:

A- "What did you do to your hair??"
M- "I got it cut"
A- "Who cut it??"
M- "Perfect Look"
A- *pause* "It's really not..."

Martin had already closed the car door, and was halfway around the car before he realized what she'd said. By then, i was already cracking up.

Que??

So, I pull up into my driveway, and get out of the car. There is a small mexican man walking down the sidewalk, stopping every 2.5 seconds and just staring at various things in the neighborhood. After a while of this, i start to get a bit unnerved....he's now stopped directly in front of me and is doing that staring thing.

Then, he walks on past...and I get the baby out of the car. I turn around to check on "mr. starey's" progress, and he's now stopped in the MIDDLE of the street, staring back at me. Then he comes back, walks into my yard and starts talking non-stop to me.....in SPANISH.

Now, I'm the whitest girl on the planet. Seriously, i'm see-through. Red hair, freckles, & I was blasting "Coldplay" in my car when i drove up....See? White girl.

So, what possessed him to start spouting off to me in Spanish, i dunno. So, after a few seconds, he stopped and looked at me expectingly. I assume he asked me a question. So, i just stared at him, baffled, and said...i ENGLISH, mind you, "uh, I don't know?"
So, he said ok, and wandered off...then he turns back, AGAIN, and spouts off what I assume was another question in spanish. This time I was all "uh, i don't speak spanish?" and the light finally dawned in his eyes. "ohhhh....she's a WHITE girl"

Geez.

So, I'm relating this story to martin, wondering why some little mexican man would just assume that ms. whitey-white girl would know Spanish, and he laughs and says "Adena, you've got to be the first redhead in 20 years, in this town, that has NOT gotten together w/ a Mexican".

Cracking up. He's totally right.

I'm So Ashamed...

My cat has a dirty, little secret.

He is a Plushy.

He enjoys stuffed animals.

I try to dissuade him from this bad habit, but he persists.

So, the latest object of his "affection" are these cute little fuzzy sheep that go on Jack's play yard/cradle. (Since he sleeps w/ us every night anyhow, I have no need to buy a fancy crib right now, so I just set up his portable play yard in his room, as it has a bassinet insert.)
Anyhow, Einstein (the Cat) noticed the 3 sheep hanging on the cradle and went ape-shit. It is now his life's ambition to obtain these sheep...

He would sneak in whenever we left the door open, and next thing i knew, there were 3 sheep laying soggily in various areas of the house. After a week or so, of this, I just took the sheep off, and put them in the built-in cupboard in Jack's room. He's not sleeping in the bassinet, so he doesn't need the sheep hanging there, right now. I thought the problem was solved.
Then, last night, I noticed a sheep laying in the play yard. It was a bit soggy. I asked martin why there was a sheep out. He said that the cat had it. So, the cat SENSED that the sheep were in the cupboard, and somehow got INTO the cupboard, which is a miracle in itself, because it's attached to the wall, up HIGH, and the doors were shut. So, how he Houdini'd that, i'm not sure, but he managed to get a sheep.

I don't get it. What's the fascination w/ the damn sheep?? For a while there, all you heard in my house was "LEAVE THE SHEEP ALONE!!" Our neighbors probably think we're insane.

Wow.

For those of you that have never seen a circumcision done....let me tell you, it's not a pretty sight.

If you're male, you may want to turn away and scroll down 'til I'm finished. (w/ your fingers in your ears, singing "lalalalalallaa")

So, my poor baby....I feel bad. All this for the sake of vanity...and not even HIS vanity. His father's and my vanity! His father's because he doesn't want Jack to be different in the locker room...MINE, because I'm a girl...and I know I wouldn't want one of those hooded things coming at me, so I figure none of his future girlfriends will, either. And far be it for me to ruin his sex life later on. ("geez mom, thanks to you, and your decision NOT to get me snipped, i can't get a date!")

Anyhow....i digress...

So, I decided to watch...partly because the only thing keeping me from the field of medicine is my complete inability to add numbers together. You add letters into those equations, and I want to jump off a bridge....but, anyhow, i wanted to see how it was done.

Let's just say it involves needles, a large clamp, and an exacto knife...First they inject numbing stuff into the base of his pee-pee, which causes MAJOR swelling in those areas. THEN, they take these scissor clamps, and clamp the sides of the offending skin.THEN, they take a metal scraper, and scrape under the offending skin, to break any attachements. THEN, they take this metal cup, and stick it under the offending skin to cover the little head of the widdle pee-pee.THEN comes the clamp....which attaches to the base of the pee-pee, on the outside, and is cranked up until it is SQUEEEEEEZING the skin to the bottom of the cup on the inside.THEN they take the exacto knife, and cut the skin from around where they meet up.

Poor thing.....he screamed for about a half hour, solid, after i got him into the car. Then he fell asleep. He's still sleeping...just waiting for him to wake up and scream continuously for the remainder of the day.

Anyhow, the doctor offered me the foreskin. Um...how often does this happen? Do people actually say "yes, let me take that home, and stick it in the freezer to show my son when he's 20....So he can faint at my feet" ? It's like the placenta....please let me take that home, to show the neighbors. What is WRONG w/ people?? Is this a common occurance???

Anyhow....so that was the whole procedure.

And the boys can return to reading now.

Funny sight: I went to McDonalds before i went to pick up arianna from school. The 18 year old, or so, that took my money was straight out of a 70's porno. He had, no joke, a Handlebar Bushy mustache (think bad pornos), and a trucker's Mullet. He thought he was stylin. Is this the new look?? Do 18 year old girls actually think this is sexy?? Because all it inspires from me is the need to laugh hysterically, and then vomit. But, maybe that's just me.

Ugh

Apparently, my alarm clock in the bedroom is an hour ahead.

I am taking martin to work today, because I need to pick up his paycheck to deposit it, and so I dutifully get up at what I THINK is 6:15 to take a shower. (we have to leave at 6:50).
So, I get ready, get Arianna up, get the baby up, dressed and in his carseat, thinking it's around 6:45. Martin's in the shower...and I am watching the news. They sign off, and I look at the little time thing in the corner of their screen.

"5:50? What?!"

So, now everyone is up an hour early.

Lovely.

Now I have to listen to the horrors of "The Wiggles".